Tachanka's Biggest Mistake
by VanossWriting
Summary: Alexsandr Seneviev is going out to eat with a few other operators. One such is having troubles with their jeans. Chanka and Ash bit more than they could chew. (Oneshot)


**A/N: First off, I apologize for the long wait for content. High school is a bitch. Second, I am going to start writing some more Life is Strange in the future. For now, I'm doing Rainbow Six. I hope you guys understand. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this rather humorous story.**

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Alexsandr Senaviev had just turned on his laptop when he received a text on his phone. The almost fifty year old veteran cursed. He is still trying to understand how cell phones work, along with remembering his passcode. "Oh right, it's 1-9-6-7." He said to himself, remembering his very simple and basic passcode: his birth year. He pressed his scarred finger on the 'Messaging' app, being somewhat distracted by his homescreen image of his trademark LMG. "Ugh, what does Eliza want now?"

 **Eliza: hey, we're going out to eat. wanna come?**

 **Alexsandr: Who's going with?**

 **Eliza: i'm going. so is monika, gustave, seamus, shuhrat and meghan.**

 **Alexsandr: Cyka, fine. And please capitalize.**

 **Eliza: OKAY I'M CAPITALIZING AM I DOING IT RIGHT.**

 **Alexsandr: I don't understand you Americans.**

He shoved his phone in his pocket, only being positive because of two certain people coming along: Seamus and Shuhrat, or Sledge and Fuze. Seamus reminds Alex of when he was younger, when he first joined the Spetznaz. Big, strong, muscular, and yet barely scared with war. Shuhrat was one of Alex's cadets. He trained him in the use of light machine guns. He even promoted him when he invented the Martyroshka, his special charges. They had a sort of father and son relationship. He tolerated the rest, but he couldn't stand Meghan. She was very muscular, being able to throw those cameras very far. Yet she would get very cocky about how strong she is, and then fall to the ground when she tries to hold Seamus's sledgehammer.

Alex walked outside of his quarters to find Eliza standing right outside with a megaphone. "IS MY CAPITALIZATION PLEASING YOU, LORD CHANKA?" She yelled into the megaphone.

"I told you _not_ to call me that!" Alex yelled in a strained voice. He hadn't fully woken up yet.

"Oi! I'm tryin' to get some shuteye!" Smoke yelled from his room, apparently in the same state as Alex.

"It's noon, get up!" She replied. Alex looked a bit confused.

"Is he coming with us?"

"Oh hell no. I don't need another lecture about his beauties."

"Girl, talk." He replied in a feminine voice, something he can rarely do. This made her laugh a bit before they entered the mess hall, where the rest were waiting. Others were eating their own lunch. The introverted Mute was actively conversing with Emma. Of course Mark would be so eager to learn the specifics of Emma's drone. Gustave was sitting with his ankle on his knee. Being a doctor has made him a big ball of proper. Meanwhile, Seamus and Meghan are greeting Alex. But one thing was on his ming: someone's missing. "Where's Monika and Shuhrat?" He asked.

"Shuhrat went to the bathroom and Monika's still getting dressed." Meg answered, crossing her tattooed arms. Alex had one tattoo: his wife's name on his shoulder. Soon, he added the names of his son and daughter, who are both around the age of Meg. Suddenly, the door opened with Fuze zipping up his pants.

"Sorry for taking so long." He said while shaking Alex's hand. As he went to say hello to the rest, Alex wiped his hand on his pants knowing _why_ he took so long. "Is Monika still getting dressed?"

"Yes." They all replied in unison, all equally being annoyed with IQ taking her sweet time.

"I'm having a talk with that woman." Chanka said, marching to the barracks.

"Need I remind you that the last time a Russian marched towards a German, it was under Stalin's orders." Liza yelled at him, attempting to slow him down.

"And the last time a German took this long to do something productive, it destroyed the Berlin Wall." He retorted, getting a round of 'ooh's in the room. Even Mark and Emma were smiling. By the time he reached Monika's door, he was practically giving Liza a piggyback ride, like a sloth hanging on a branch. He knocked on her door. "Monika, hurry up. We're gonna be late."

"Hold on a second! My jeans are too tight!" He heard behind the door. He smiled as Liza got off him and opened the door. She stopped about midway in the doorway.

"Liza?" He asked as she just stood there, clearly mesmerized by... something. He peeked over her shoulder into the room. "Cyka." He said under his breath. Monika's jeans were definitely too tight. Either that, or she grew out of them. He was entranced as her butt jiggled in an attempt to get inside the jeans. What was even more surprising was that she was topless. Before Alex could figure out why Liza was also entranced, he saw the eyes of Monika meet his. That means they're caught. "Run." Is all he could say before the relaxed look turned into shock. He saw the anger in her eyes as she reached for a shirt, knowing they would run.

He began to run away as fast as possible, with Liza catching up. Not far behind was Monika going into Blitzkrieg, shouting curses in German. For an odd reason, Alex found this very amusing, and began to laugh while running for his life. As soon as he barged through the mess hall doors, tears of laughter streaming down his face, Monika jumped onto his back like a velociraptor.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" She screamed on his back, trying to put him in a headlock. At this point, Alex was more likely to die of wheezing than death by Monika.

"What happened?" Gustave asked them, looking very confused.

"THIS DOUCHEBAG WAS SPYING ON ME!"

"Monika, he's Russian." Shuhrat stood up and reached to get her off Chanka. "We Russians could never resist a wide, open view." He said with a smirk, preparing to run. Emma was just about dying when Monika jumped off and was about to slap Shuhrat when he caught her hand mid-swing.

"Can we just go and eat?" Liza asked, just now entering.

"I still need to get dressed." Monika replied, now fumbling with her jeans. Her butt was hanging out the entire time. This gave her face a deep shade of red.

"Just get some cargo pants. It's clear those won't fit no matter what you do." Seamus advised, now trying to get Alex off the ground, as he was still laughing. "What happened, mate?"

"Let's just say Liza was distracted." He replied.

"Well, I ain't surprised about Ash." Monika murmured, just loud enough to make Liza blush. "And _you_." She pointed at Chanka. "If I don't kill you, your wife will." Alex tried to laugh, but wheezed in the process after knowing the reaction of his wife.

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 **I hope you have enjoyed this little thing. I've been trying to find a good time to start writing again, and I think I have found it. If you want more, or have a suggestion, let me know. As always, have a nice day.**


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